My Vindication

Hi,

My name is Ithler and this is what I have to say. I do not intent to have this read, nor do I care. I believe everyone needs an outlet, and this is mine. So here it is...

I believe a synonym of life would have to be a line or a cue. In life, we are all waiting, all cuing for the same inevitable end... which ultimately is death. From a young age, I have always had this bizarre curiosity about death. What will it be like? Will it simply feel like I am asleep for all eternity? Does heaven and hell really exist, and if so, where will I go? If I were to die right now, and my current life's actions were the actions I were to be judged on, then I guess I already have my answer. Straight down.

If I were to reside in hell, at least I'd already have some experience, because this world is certainly not the peachiest. I believe this life is designed to provide you with some experience for the afterlife, if there is one, and whatever form of corruption you choose, be it good or evil, you are unknowingly preparing yourself for what is next.

In the movie Forrest Gump, his character so brilliantly states, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get." I completely disagreed from the very moment I heard this apparent 'master line' of literal ingenuity that redefined the meaning of life for a whole generation of mentally retarded, want-to-be philosophers. I mean, if you read the label on the box, you should what's in it. Of course, life doesn't have a box; it is much bigger than that. Life as I see it, is the chance to choose which box you want; and via the tools of corruption, which are not self-inspired, rather inspired by those who will ultimately gain the greatest benefit, we make that choice. Fortunately for myself, I happened to choose one of the boxes that had been mislabeled. I thought the box read "Perfect life choices that will fundamentally result in happiness and immortal well-being. (No added preservatives. No artificial flavors.)". Instead, the box contained ill-decision, misdirection, hardship, pain, blah, blah, blah. Here I am.

Speaking about death earlier, the thing that scares me the most is that at times, I don't fear death, and I will literally try anything. After all, "What is the point in living, if you can't feel alive." It seems now so more than ever, after all that has happened, that my parameters for what would be considered dangerous and immoral have become so warped and mangled; to most conformists it would seem repulsive. When my Nanna passed away in 2008, I had her life's motto of not to fear death, carved on my upper underarm in the immortal words, "Don't fear the Reaper" - meaning, don't let the fear of death stand in your way of making a choice. If only she'd known.

This is a documentation of my choices, so please feel free to make judgment and leave comment - just know this is my life. A lot of what is to come will be the black words of a distorted mind, and a tainted soul. So to define what this is, I would simply have to say that this blog is to be a testament to my emotional and decisive battle; an attributed release of all that swells and dwells in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind. A tome of revelations and twisted thoughts; a real look at what I'm like when the bullshit veneer of happiness that I contort to my peers is removed. My Vindication.

So without further ado, I welcome you... to my hell.

Ithler.